Fantasy Lifestyles 2/Fantasy Lifestyles 2.iso/agt/solarfox.txt

Text File | 1995-12-27 | 11.1 KB | 193 lines

                              SOLARFOX

 Just wanted to say hello to  everybody. While I am not really "new"
 to BBSing,  I feel as though  there are lots of  you out there that
 don't know a lot about me.  I basically "came out" in 1984. Someone
 recently told me  that if it weren't for BBS's,  he wouldn't be out
 of the closet. I have to agree. I started BBSing in 1983, and about
 that time there was only one or  two gay BBS's in the Atlanta area,
 the Cherokee  Trading Post it  was called. It  was much like  JBBS,
 another  early  up-and-comer,  in  that  it  had  a  gay back-side.
 Cherokee's gay  backside was called  the Cub-Match-80. There  was a
 Match-80 in Atlanta back then, I  think there still is. It, however
 isn't really gay oriented whereas the Cub-Match was.

 I say "was"  because it is, of  course, no longer around;  the late
 Bobby Amell was the sysop of that board back then. I won't get into
 any details on his death.

 I'm not  trying to impress,  depress or otherwise  BORE anyone, I'm
 just  trying to  talk a  little  bit  about the  beginnings of  gay
 systems around Atlanta.  Oh sure, there were plenty  of other types
 of "specialty" boards  around Atlanta then too, but  I suppose then
 as  well as  now, there  has  always  been the  problem of  letting
 "everyone" know where the gay systems are without paying an arm and
 a leg for  CompuServe, GEnie, or whatever  other pay services there
 are out  there. I have seen  two young gay males  attempt to openly
 communicate with themselves on more  than one occasion on otherwise
 "straight,  socializing"   boards  without  going   through  proper
 channels, apparently  stopping at nothing  to branch communication.
 Oh yes as I recall, they didn't  use handles - they used real names
 because that particular board wasn't "handle" oriented, and in fact
 in  my early  days of  BBSing there  were few  boards that accepted
 "handles" as  modes of signing  on. On most  boards, passwords were
 either optional or not necessary, a while back.

 I logged onto Bobby  Amell's board back then as  "gay," even though
 at that time  Iwasn't really out, I was challenging  it. I did this
 several times, and  I finally decided to stop  playing "mind games"
 with myself and to  get on with what I knew had  really been me all
 along. Women had never done anything  for me anyway, but I guess if
 I had to "label" myself, it had come down to that.

 I live in Marietta, Georgia. I  don't necessarily LIKE it here, but
 being that I haven't ever  really been financially stable enough to
 leave, I am still living at home. Because I live in Marietta and so
 forth, I had never been exposed to  a lot of male to male activity.
 I had been  exposed to some, but  it had been few  and far between.
 Everyone these  days seems to be  concerned about 95% with  how you
 LOOK and the other 5% seems to  be with how well you perform in bed
 or  doing  other  things.  I  say  that's  bullshit.  Looks are not
 everything; since I have come out  I feel that mentally I have come
 full circle; I  want a permanent relationship where I  see a lot of
 people satisfied with  one-nighters. I guess I was  lucky in that I
 came out just prior to the time that AIDS really hit the fan; thank
 God it didn't drive me back in.

 As I was saying, looks aren't everything. I know that I am the type
 of person that  likes to cuddle up and get  cozy, and sexually I'll
 do just  about anything. Still, I'd  rather get to know  you first.
 You know how  some of these questionnaires are,  they get in-depth,
 but  they don't  cover ALL  bases. Still,  I care  about people.  I
 suppose at  times I can  care too much.  I'm not on  an ego trip; I
 don't smoke and I don't do  drugs. I don't drink except on occasion
 and even then it's nothing but a beer. I guess I am really the kind
 of  person that  likes to  get inside  people's heads  and find out
 their  likes and  dislikes;  dislikes  are probably  more important
 because it tells me right away  what to steer clear of. And believe
 me,  I do..  I am  not the  kind of  person who  likes to  toy with
 emotions! I've had my emotions toyed with enough!

 I had I would guess a typical  childhood; but when you consider the
 amount of  socializing I used  to do was  about zero, it  wasn't so
 typical.  In elementary  school my  grades were  never really  that
 spectacular; and in middle school they REALLY tumbled. What was it?
 I had this  little kid bottled up  inside me and I  couldn't let it
 out; I  felt confined, trapped.  I guess in  the back of  my mind I
 wanted the pretty boys, but I  couldn't lead myself to do anything.
 I couldn't get high off someone  else's body because I thought they
 couldn't get high off me.

 I know  now that  was why  my school  went downhill  for me.  I was
 interested in the other boys - too AFRAID to look and too afraid to
 say anything. When I was eight  we were watching this kid from next
 door, a  foster kid whose parents  were going out of  town for some
 reason, and the first night he slept  with me in my bed. I love how
 parents will  let like-sexes sleep  in the same  bed with you,  and
 unlike-sexes in other beds.. it's wonderful. He ended up that night
 putting his  dick up my  ass, nothing really  happened and I  don't
 think he knew how to fuck.

 He just put it up there and pulled it out a few times.. and I loved
 it. I didn't resist, at all. I'm glad now that I didn't.

 Everyone wants  to know "when  was your first  sexual encounter?"..
 well, I guess that's about the first REAL one I can remember, but I
 would swear that I was about five or six when I had a neighbor show
 me his - I think he was  about fifteen. I was reluctant to suck it;
 we were  standing in this  box in  the  front yard. Why  is it some
 things  are  etched  in  stone  that  are  out  of the ordinary and
 day-to-day life tends to be forgotten? Hmm...

 I consider  myself to  be a  passive person  generally, I suppose I
 could be dominant if I wanted. But I could definitely be a top or a
 bottom. I  claim responsibility for  the SMRDAY files  - it started
 off innocently enough and it seemed to blossom for me. Not everyone
 gets into water sports; honestly I'm  not sure that I would so much
 if I were  with someone else. I'd like to  think I can conform, and
 I'm  sure  I  can.  I  want  to  be  there for somebody. Sixteen is
 probably a  bit young fr  most people too,  but in fact  I began to
 realize.. I am 27  and it wasn't so long ago that  I was 16. I know
 that I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that young though!
 Which leads me to something else.

 At 14 and 15,  my grades were no good in school  at all. I couldn't
 channel myself; all  I could do was aggravate  people. You've heard
 of  "negative  attention"?  Irritating  and  grinding  on someone's
 nerves -  be it repeating  something over and  over.. or whatever..
 until the  person wanted to punch  you out. You know,  it's funny -
 now  that I  think about  it, it  was GUYS  that I  would do it to.
 Probably guys  that I wanted to  give me attention in  other areas,
 but the way  I was going about it, it  was impossible. The teachers
 said that I was "just warming a seat."

 In 1976,  my parents put  me in a  private school. I  was there, in
 Kennesaw, five days a week. I was  also seeing a shrink then that I
 had  been seeing  since 1974,   around the  time the  grades really
 dropped to an  all-time low. The school was  called Devereux. There
 are several Devereux's scattered about  the country; there's one in
 Texas, one  in Pennsylvania, one in  Maine, etc.. I guess  in a way
 they're sort of like Brawner's. Anyway, it was interesting there, I
 still failed pretty generally, but I  was closer - much closer - to
 being "in"  to doing things with  other boys. It seemed  there were
 other  kids there  with sex  hangups and  things. I  saw just about
 everyone in  my dorm at one  time or another stark  naked; at times
 they flaunted  it, and at times  they raved about it.  Yet they all
 claimed to  be straight. At  the time I  kinda thought I  was going
 through hell, but soon I realized that I was in "dude paradise".

 It was $1050  a month at the time  to live there five days  a week.
 From what  I understand, it was  $1500 a month for  full-timers. No
 doubt  with  the  construction  they've   had  there  in  the  last
 twelve-thirteen years,  it's probably well over  $2000 a month. The
 director's name was [and is] Comerford; most of the guys called him
 Comerfuck, but.. not to his face.

 There  were guys  there from  all over  the country.  There was one
 supposedly "admitted" homosexual that was there that I never really
 had a  chance to have contact  with; ideally I think  it would have
 been interesting  if I had come  out at that stage  in my life, and
 told  all those  bastard psychs  on campus  because then they might
 have been able to get a grip on me; there is nothing wrong with me,
 I just  need some  incentive in  life, but  of course  back then  I
 wouldn't  have even  admitted being   gay to  MYSELF let  ALONE any
 psych. It  was interesting, that the  guy that was "thought"  to be
 gay was soon sent to the Devereux  in Texas.. what did IT have that
 this one didn't?

 For the past  several years I have been trying  to get the incident
 cleared out of  my head as much as possible  - oh, the nightmares I
 used to  have about that  place after the  fact. I haven't  had any
 lately, and I  don't know that I will have  any more. I can't stand
 repeat dreams like that.

 I never really saw  anybody else there actually "jack  off".. but I
 did get my hands on some cock there a couple of times. Still, while
 one incident  may have been  reported, I was  never "caught in  the
 act." I find that interesting. For  one year I was there like that,
 and I was also in the Boy Scouts which gave me a reason to leave on
 Tuesday nights.  There was even one  guy in the Scouts  that knew I
 was gay and had shown me some skin before, but I never did have the
 sense to  follow through with  anything. Perhaps that  was actually
 better. The second year in Devereux I just went during the day, for
 school, and then the year after  that Cobb County started a Special
 Education thing going  which was similar to that  kind of thing. It
 was in Smyrna.

 All this time  never really thinking about girls.  It was like I've
 known, but  for some reason  I was scared  of the word,  "gay". Not
 anymore.  My parents  still don't  know -  my mother  may have  her
 suspicions and so  forth because I told her in  1984, but I quickly
 had to deny it because I knew  she showed signs of not taking it in
 a sane fashion. "Whatever is more comfortable for her," I thought.

 Now my  ears long for someone  to call me a  little queer, a little
 faggot - because I am just as happy hearing that as anything.

 Just something I  thought I'd share with you all.  And too, my real
 name is Mitch, but I am trying  to get it changed to Jason. It will
 probably take a while to get this legally done, but I do like Jason
 a lot better. Which is one reason I use it on the boards.

 Jason